Below is a poem I found on the caring bridge web site! It speaks of loss. That you never know what kind of shoes the person is wearing, and those shoes are the feelings that come when you lose someone! It could be a child, a parent, a sibling, or a loved one, but each person will wear all of these shoes as they deal with their grief. My poem made me think of my sister that lost her future husband in a car accident at the young age of 26! I love you sis, you have shown amazing stength, and so has your son! Bly you are truely an angel baby!!!

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a love!

My amazing father!

This week has been one of the saddest times in my life! My father was diagnosed on Sunday with stage 1 prostate cancer! We were not ready for it, nor expecting any kind of diagnosis of this kind. My family has been through so much, and it still just keeps coming! Why does God think that one family can take so much heartache? I'm still trying to cope with all my feelings, so excuse me if I seem angry, but I think you can understand when I tell you why we are overwhelmed with grief! Five years ago my brother was 26 and was paralyzed in a car accident. My father and mother were crushed and felt helpless that they couldn't do anything to make it better for him. My fathers only son who he played golf with and coached through sports couldn't even get himself out of bed now! My brother never gave up though and eventually after therapy and months and months of dr. visits he learned to walk again! Then 3 years later my sisters fiance was killed in a car accident. It was storming and he had just left my sisters sons football game. He coached this team. My parents came up on the accident and saw that it was my sisters car that he was driving wrapped around a pole. The police would not let my parents down by the accident. Again, my parents hearts broke! My sister had lost her future husband, and her son had lost his "bonus" dad! How would my parents be able to help her and their only grandchild through this awful time? My parents put there life around her and her son for the next several years, to get her through! I can't imagine the years that it put on there lives. Grief is such a long lasting feeling. One and a half years ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a bad breakup and he was very hateful to me! He sent me over 40 text messages saying how much he hates me, and wished I would die. I was heartbroke, and the messages tore my heart every time I read them. I started to believe I was an awful person and that I deserved to be talked to like this. I was now living with my parents and they saw my sadness. My father would cry when I did, yet he was so angry that someone could be this hateful to his daughter. He tried going and talking to his father, but nothing seemed to help. My parents would do anything to take my sadness away, but yet they don't want to hurt the person that is hurting me. They are trying to do it the nice way, yet this man isn't being nice himself! I felt bad that my parents had to deal with this, this wasn't there problem, yet it hurt them so bad. It has been 1 1/2 years and we are still trying to completely erase this man out or our lives. It is better, but the thought of him getting angry again and maybe hurting me emotionally or verbally is still there. Then almost 1 year to this day my fathers brother had a heart attack. He lived close to my parents. His daughter called my parents on Sunday evening and said "my dad is acting weird, and now he just passed out and I don't know if he's breathing!" My parents rushed to his house. My father went in right away and started cpr. My mother is a nurse and came in to help my father. My uncle didn't make it! I know my parents, and especially my father felt like he didn't do enough. My mom knew more about heart attacks and knew you can only do so much if the heart has stopped for to long. My uncle was only 57! From this time on, my father became very depressed! You could see the sadness in his eyes every day. He would walk out of the house or family events without anyone seeing him, and just cry! He just had enough grief I'm sure! My mom is a rock and holds us together, but that scares me too, because she holds it all in. My mother is truly an angel on earth! She is so caring and would do anything for anyone, yet she keeps having to keep it together in times of grief! My parent's are just the greatest people ever, so amazingly loving! I'm saddened because knowing that your father is hurting and scared is an awful gut wrenching feeling! My father is a wear your heart on your sleeve kind of guy! My sister and I have inherited that from him! Now, my father is the one that is hurting and I don't know how to help. I'm saddened for my mother also. She really has to be the strong one now. He is going to lean on her for support and confidence to beat this cancer! How do you get through something like this? I'm sure like myself my family has just had enough grief! We know how important life is, we know how important family is, we don't need the reminder anymore!!! We have had enough!!!.... But, what's done is done, we have to pull together and help my father beat this cancer! Monday he is having a bone scan to make sure there isn't cancer anywhere else! I pray that this scan is negative! The thought of more cancer somewhere else is unbearable! I don't know if my father can take that. If you read this please pray. Pray that the cancer is defined only to the prostate and we can move from there. Please God, help us stay strong! Some days I feel strong and confident , and other days or just at certain times I am overwhelmed with sadness and fear and the tears begin to flow. I just have an awful feeling everywhere in my body! It is so hard to go through the day seeing other people so happy and them not seeing how sad I am. I don't want pity or sadness from someone else, but don't throw all your happiness and good luck in my face. We don't have any luck right now, so don't make it feel worse by complaining about your small bad days! My family would trade your small bad lucks any day! We are hurt and we are still grieving each time the next hurdle comes! Let this be enough, let us get through this with our father and begin to love life for all it's worth! My family is amazing and we will not give up, but if you are reading, please say some prayers for my family!

I tend to be so upset when something goes wrong. I ask why me, and how come all bad stuff happens to me. Then I see that someone has it worse and I am put back in my place that I am a very lucky person. I just wish more people saw this. I hear so many people talk about how they don't have this, or don't have that, or no money, because they have spent carelessly, and they don't see that things could be much worse! Believe me, it could be alot harder than your little struggles that you go through, think of this.....

When you start to feel sorry for yourself and say you have it so bad think of: the mother and father that gave birth to a still born at 8 months, the man waiting for his test results on a cancer, the young woman who just lost her future husband, the small child who also lost a father figure, the mother who can't help her grown child from the pain of grief, the grandparent who buries there child, the baby who fights for there little life because she doesn't have a healthy heart, the child that lost there parent to cancer or illness, the athletic young man who was just told he may never walk again, the girlfriend that won't leave his side, the man of the house that loses his job because we would rather pay someone 5.2 million to play baseball, the single mother who is putting herself through school and working full time just to have a better life for her child, the 11 month old baby who cries in pain because she has had more broken bones than one should have in there lifetime, the old woman that lost her husband of 50 years and now doesn't know how to live, and the lost and selfish sole that thinks it's better to end there young life than to get help and realize that things can be much worse!!!

Be thankful, for everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle!

A favorite quote of mine

Below is a quote from the movie p.s. i love you. When I read this, I think to myself, I wish I told my true feelings to those I love more. I want the man I love and my family to know how much I love them before it's too late. Unfortunately the words don't sink in enough until it's too late. To live a life unloved would be a life not lived!

Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you

Me, the real me, not the one some people see!

I have a huge heart and I have a hard time showing it alot of times. I have alot of people that love me, and some that dislike me, but that's ok. It's hard to have everyone like you, people are so judgemental. This is one thing I'm working on, myself towards others. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, that love is often underestimated, that comfort can be a weakness, that mean people should all live in the same city and stay there :) , that babies do amazing things for peoples hearts, that you should only stay in a relationship because you want to, not because you have to, that just because two people argue doesn't mean they don't love each other, that all people are allowed to have bad days, that when hearts are broken a piece of that person is lost forever, that just because you are dealt a bad card doesn't mean people owe you anything, that you can change a life with few words, that love can make you a better person if you let it, that dogs know when you are sad, that writing your feelings makes you feel better, that a photograph can say a million words, that people with millions of dollars need to do more with there money than just build large houses, that I wish I had more money so I could be the one to do it, that grief is the strongest emotion there is: it affects lives more than love, more than hate, more than fear, that I will love my husband with all I have, that people should not be in a rush to have children until they are ready, that gods plan is very confusing, and that I will do many great things before I die.